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in separation lesson


As divide the goods and what to say to the children

Who lies to the children, who spies the telephones, who is left with nothing. First course with lawyers, educators and accountants giving instructions to survive.

The room is small and welcoming, with a vaulted ceiling and exposed bricks. To access it you have to walk a narrow corridor of a beautiful building in Milan, Sant'Ambrogio area, going down the steps of a staircase in the silence of eight o'clock in the evening of a rainy day.

It's dark around and going down is a bit like stepping into the depths of the soul: leaving the world outside and digging into the cesspool that everyone has inside themselves to try to suffer less.

The course speaks of separations and divorces. How to best face them, how to get out of them without being devastated, attempts to cross the storm, challenge the open sea, and get to the mainland. Salvi.

You go down that ladder to try to find help at a difficult time in life. "My ex is an asshole, he doesn't show me my son," begins a forty-year-old who must have done many battles. He wears a black T-shirt with a red sequin heart, even his hair is longed for, but it's easy to see that he's not happy for a while. "My son chose to stay with his father because he makes money, I don't," he continues. "I don't have an income and my current partner doesn't work either."

A young woman intervenes from the first rows. She cries. «Fabio has 6 years. My husband told him that he moved to work. It's hard to tell him the truth. " True stories of badly ended loves. First they turned to their children, saying: "Go to the father" or "talk to the mother", between coaxing and smiles. Now the distance between the spouses is also noted by the language: "the mother" and "the father" are replaced by "your father", "your mother".


When you get married you make great preparations, you are more uncertain than anything else about the appetizer to offer to the guests, about the right music for the banquet or the decorations to put in the church benches: it can be a stress, but you can live it with joy and a certain amount of unconscious euphoria. But when does one get separated? There are no preparations or lessons. One finds oneself, often alone, in facing the storm. The lawyer Armando Cecatiello, an expert on family law for over 25 years, has thought of this, trainer, author of books on the subject like that, written with Carlo Alfredo Clerici, entitled “My parents are divided. And me? "And the most recent:" Separate well with collaborative practice "(Red editions).

Cecatiello has designed a cycle of three meetings, all for free, for those who want to separate, "for those who are thinking about it, for those who want to know what to expect from a separation". Because if there is no doubt that the family is fundamental and the world congresses underline the need to insist on the blessed union between a man and a woman, it is also true that sometimes a healthy break does less damage than a forced cohabitation without love. Except that you need to know how to leave yourself peacefully.

"Instructions for use" are needed, and not just the lawyer can give the solution. "We need an interdisciplinary action", explains the lawyer, "a synergy between multiple subjects to reach a resolution as peaceful as possible". Cecatiello exposes the "collaborative practice", the alternative and out-of-court method developed in the 1989 by the American lawyer Stuart Webb, with which conflicts are resolved and a litigation procedure is avoided in court. It is based on the dialogue between spouses, assisted by specialists including a communication expert (psychologist), or the accountant for patrimonial aspects, on which there is almost never agreement. You work in a team. It almost always ends well. Without war of the Roses. We had loved each other so much, now bye, good luck.

This is why the other evening, at the first meeting organized by Cecatiello, the speaker was Dr. Katia Biundo, educationalist, mother of 4 children, accustomed to treating difficult cases with humanity, using the language of the "child", to put herself on the side of minor.

«Many couples in crisis come to me, I try to help them because my aim is to protect children. I explain that children understand everything. Never tell them lies. And when two decide to separate they have to go together, not in turn, to tell their son the truth. Together they have to take responsibility, even if the relationships are different and there is always one more protective parent than the other. The child must know he can trust, otherwise he will suffer ».


A lady raises her hand. "I sometimes spy on my daughter's cell phone," she whispers with shame. "I know it's not done, but it's the only way to know what he thinks of his father." The children's mobile phone is not spied on, warns the educator. What did you hope to discover? "There were messages with his father, he wanted to take her to the gym, but he never shows up, my daughter is angry and I am too. I wanted to understand what he had answered. " Spying is a form of insecurity, says Biundo, "sometimes it's easier to ask, to confront". "I can't talk to my ex," interrupts a gentleman from the back. "As soon as I hear you fight," he cuts short, "don't forgive me for leaving and insult me ​​repeatedly." Here, another mistake to avoid: denigrate the former in front of the children. "But if he treated me badly! Shall I shut up? », The redhead said before. And in the room with the vaulted ceiling and exposed bricks the debate comes on, the hours go by fast, and we realize that a series of meetings is not enough for such a delicate subject.

BRUNELLA BOLLOLI - Original article released on Monday Free 8 April 2019


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